The Trump Ice Age

An unnamed source intercepted a transmission that was subsequently provided to BLENDVERSE. The article below, which was published by a well-known and credible news publication from an alternate existence in the multiverse, was extracted from that transmission and has been verified for its accuracy and reliability. Although in our reality the public response to Trump’s victory has been passionate and polarizing, perhaps we avoided far more significant consequences given the challenges faced by our sister reality. See below.

FEB. 22, 2045

The Trump Ice Age

WASHINGTON – Following the 2016 election and his decisive defeat, Donald J. Trump departed Earth for Mars. Trump brought with him years of business experience as a real estate developer. Within five years, the first set of luxury hotels, apartments, and casinos were developed and that development rapidly expanded within a short time thereafter.

Science and manufacturing exploded on the newly colonized planet. Scientists were eager to explore Mars and immediately jumped at Trump’s invitation. After Hillary Clinton’s victory in 2016, the number of manufacturing jobs continued to decline in the U.S. and globally, due to advancements in automation and AI technology.

But Trump had a home for those who lost their jobs. He maintained order and stability on the planet, in exchange for recognition as the planet’s, “Best All Around Person.” Trump even convinced the United Nations to formally recognize Mars as Planet Trump. Of course, the UN did not take this colonization and its potential consequences very seriously. Trump, meanwhile, had a master plan.

Science flourishes on Planet Trump.

Making Mars (henceforth Planet Trump) hospitable was a major step for science as a whole. Trump was able to attract the greatest scientists (and he means THE GREATEST) that the world had to offer. In exchange, however, Trump required assistance on several secret projects. The scientists reluctantly agreed…again, without due consideration of the potential consequences. Revenge was on Trump’s mind. By 2030, Project Trump Satellite Devastation (PTSD) was ready for launch. The collective talents of these scientists, under the direction of Trump, would ultimately prove too much for the Earth. There was a great deal of confusion, even amongst government intelligence communities, following the PTSD launch. Nothing happened… at first.

Trump had succeeded in developing a technology that could capture and redirect sunlight. He attached this technology to three separate satellites and placed two of them on the direct path of light between the Earth and the Sun. The third satellite was placed at a halfway point between Earth and Planet Trump, in order to redirect the captured light. This was PTSD. This was the genius of Trump as a leader.

Within a month of the launch, global temperatures on Earth dropped 10 degrees Fahrenheit (U.S. officials are still attempting the conversion to Celsius). But more importantly, it was too late for the Earth by the time the remaining second-rate scientists, who all attended inadequately funded public universities, were able to figure out what was going on.

The aftermath.

Trump’s largest project yet was just as devastating as its name suggested. Without sunlight, many plant and animal species quickly became extinct and Earth’s overall biodiversity plummeted by 42% in just 10 years. This was the beginning of a new Ice Age… a man-made one. The message (or propaganda depending on where you stand) distributed through media outlets on Planet Trump was that PTSD was a moral imperative. Trump was finally convinced of the real danger that global warming posed.

“The Earth just needed a little cooling off, so I cooled it off.”

-Donald Trump

Scientists had been warning the global community for years that the human impact on global climate conditions was reaching an irreversible point. Trump was quoted as saying, “we needed a dramatic and powerful change. Politicians have been talking about fixing global warming for years. But they’ve done nothing, less than nothing. Frankly, it’s been a disaster. The Earth just needed a little cooling off, so I cooled it off. I get things done. I do great things, and we are going to make the Earth cool again (MECA).”

A 65% reduction and redirection in sunlight, however, was a considerable amount more than the Earth needed. The global economy quickly collapsed. The resulting volatility in the stock market was unprecedented. One irritated investor said of the situation, “what’s the point? Why am I even trading these pretend pieces of companies? What’s the point when Trump can just steal the Sun?”

“What’s the point when Trump can just steal the Sun?”

-Bitter Investor

Military strategists were also baffled. Trump armed the satellites with a defense system reminiscent of the Death Star. Trump noted that he went beyond fantasy, and was able to achieve perfection: “You see, I think like a businessman, and whenever I build something, I want it to be the best, I want it to be marvelous, as great as anything you’ll ever see. And believe me, I’m talking great. So I thought…why are Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader building this gigantic death machine, with this elaborate defense system, and having a highly vulnerable piece exposed on its perimeter? OH…right…it’s a plot device. So I told my people, the builders, great people, wonderful people…I told them, listen…you’re the experts and I want you to do your job, but just make sure there are no highly vulnerable pieces of the satellite exposed in highly vulnerable positions. It was all my idea, of course. I call it simple genius. Just seeing what others miss, because you know politicians like Emperor Palpatine, even with 30 years of experience, just can’t seem to get out of their own way.”

The Earth lacked viable military options.

After several failed efforts at negotiations through telecommunications, the Earth sent ex-President Hillary Clinton and still-President Vladimir Putin as representatives to broker a deal in 2040. After a day of negotiations, Clinton and her Secret Service escorts were jailed for crimes against Trump. Putin meanwhile abandoned his responsibilities as President of Russia and accepted a position as Trump’s First BFF (a position previously held by Kanye West).


A new hope?

In 2044, Trump opened up his planet’s borders in an apparent change of heart about immigration. Declaration 18456, sent out through Twitter, stated the official position and policy of Planet Trump: “We believe in freedom of movement. All earthlings are welcome so long as loyalty is pledged to Donald Trump. #MECA” The rest of the declaration was incoherent due to Twitter’s 140 character limit, and because the following tweets related to the sexual attractiveness of several newly discovered alien lifeforms on the southernmost portion of Planet Trump.

And now…it is 2045. The world is deciding…do we stay and try and carry out life through this Trump-induced Ice Age? Or, do we abandon the Earth for Planet Trump?

– Sandeep, Environmental Reporter
& James Mann

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