January 28, 2017

(New York, New York) – During her confirmation hearing for the position of Secretary of Education last week, Betsy DeVos launched a crusade to raise awareness around an important, but unaddressed issue facing American schools – the threat of grizzly bears.

DeVos cited the threat of bears as the primary reason for her support of guns in American schools. The nominee said, “[i]n order to protect our children against the rising threat of grizzly bears, I am advising that all school staff be armed with semi-automatic assault rifles.” She mentioned that conversion therapy of bears to turn them into vegetarians has thus far been unsuccessful (much to her surprise, as it has been so effective with homosexuals), and so more serious action must be taken across the country.

When pressed on the necessity of guns in schools located in areas that are not threatened by bears, DeVos dismissed concerns asserting, “As mentioned in the historical film, Anchorman, bears are attracted to menstruation. Therefore, any school that employs women is under constant threat of a grizzly bear attack.”

The public response has been passionate, but expected. Some believe that shotguns would be effective enough against the bears, and others don’t feel that even assault rifles provide enough protection for their children. Most agree, though, that the threat of bears to American students has been largely under-reported over the last decade. Early polls run in collaborative partnerships with unbiased media outlets, Fox News, CNN, RedStateWatcher.com and TheyCan’tTakeOurGuns.news.com presented the following results:

With the initial positive reception, it has been rumored that DeVos is considering appointing Dwight Schrute to oversee potential bear protection protocols given his extensive knowledge on the topic as evidenced on the hit documentary television show, The Office.

It will be interesting to see the development of this awareness campaign being spearheaded by Ms. DeVos. Stay tuned to Blendverse for updates regarding this important matter.

– James Mann